April. 2001. If God is the Ultimate Healer, The Mighty Counselor & The Divine Physician then I will take my husband to God's house that he may be healed of his problems. God's ways are not our ways. It was there in God's house Sunday after Sunday that I battled the Lord as the congregation sang Just As I Am at the end of each service. Always bracing my soul for the tears that would inevitably come as the invitation was given. I listened. "Just As I am"! The words were contrary to any former belief or knowledge I had of the Lord. He would not find me acceptable. I would most certainly have to clean up my act before I could think of approaching God. And afterall, I had not come to this place for ME but for my husband. Perhaps God was confused, had gotten our names crossed on the appointment calendar.
The tears welled from the pit of my soul. It was not me. I was powerless to hold them back. I tried fearlessly to send them back where they were springing from. I tried not to make wimpering sobs. I wanted, needed to do something to gain control but would not, could not beckon to the call. My soul was stirred but yet, another week, I would walk away. Determined not to allow this to happen again the following week, I would steady myself as Just As I Am began to play and yet, once again, the squeezing sensation at the bottom of my heart caused tears to leak from my eyes.
What was going on in me? Not me, God, HIM! Right here, next to me. I'm good, God, he needs you! But you see, it was I, who had called out in the wee hours of one morning, "God Help Me!" and He heard me. Here I was, I had asked for Him, and now I would not approach Him.
And then, the beautiful spirited lady sitting in the pew in front of me, who had listened to my sobs week after week, turned one Sunday and it was as though Jesus extended His hand and said "Come unto me"! And as a child, I took her hand and surrendered my life to God. A God I knew little of and the little I knew was out of perspective. God took me Just As I Am and I learned He loves me so much He will not leave me as I am but would take me into His hands and start anew and mold me into the likeness of His own son. The very son, who had assumed all the shame, guilt, and sin that was keeping me from surrendering.
Today, I rest in the knowledge that God finds me beautiful, wonderful, and uniquely made . I live with gracious uncertainty of God's plan for me, but this I know, it is a perfect plan and I live excitedly for what is in store.
When a man takes one step toward God, God takes more steps toward that man than there are sands in the worlds of time.
2 comments:
You just don't know how much you inspire me girl!! I love you!!
Girl, that was AWESOME!!! You have such a gift of sharing. I could feel all your pain and all your release as you move forward on your walk with GOD. You know I know those feelings all too well. I am so blessed to have you in my life. Who in the world would've thought that the way we started out on the same path that we come down the same path again 10 years later. God put us together all those years ago for a reason and I'm so glad I'm around to see it. Love you. You really should write a book.
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